Giving it all up

More than a few people have told me that they admire the fact that I have opened up my thoughts and heart on this blog. And even though many of you might think that I am pretty much an open book, there are several aspects of Hudson’s five month existence that I haven’t talked about. Frankly, a couple of things have come up and I don’t have the words to express how I feel about them.

Today has been a hard day. It is after five p.m. and Hudson is sleeping for the first time all day. I don’t know if it is teething or earache or what, but I cannot soothe him. He was up several times in the night and came to bed with me around 4 a.m. (He looks pretty peaceful in this picture I took of him in our bed last Friday.) After an entire day of crying, whining, and squawking, I finally I fed him an additional bottle, after a bowl of homemade banana puree, and he went to sleep. No, I don’t think he was hungry all day. However, often on days like today, when I can’t wait for him to just lay down, go to sleep, give me five seconds to do something just for me---- he’s asleep for almost 45 minutes and I miss him.

The reality is today would have been a hard day regardless. We have came to the one year anniversary of my granny’s death and to see the date on the calendar makes me feel like I have been sucker punched, reminding me that Hudson will never get to know that precious precious woman. See—I can’t talk about that anymore.

Other things, for the record, that will not be blogged about:

• When we toured the daycare facility and I cried the whole time (this was in August)
• How I cannot stomach the thought, intentionally left a wedding reception, and can barely type the words “Mother & Son Dance”
• Trying to imagine little Hudson reading this when he is a big strong man curious about his baby years
• Or—Hudson reading this when he is a big strong dad curious as to how to raise his little baby

Sometimes we can’t soothe even ourselves.